It’s like there is this wave of exhaustion sweeping over the planet, sometimes since Covid appeared. It hit me hard in 2020 and kept tumbling me around like a pebble for three strange years. I had to unbelieve everything that had made sense to me before. The productivity and the self-abuse it really is, and where it connects to the abuse of others, of the earth, of everything kind and soft, the ‘but it’s the best system we have’ and the ‘but there’s nothing a single person can do’. I went back to stare at nothing behind the garden bushes, listened to birds, enjoyed the presence of rocks. I’m not sure that’s the direction everyone must take, but a lot of people seem to have had similar experiences, with a lot of re-connection with the non-human.

In slowly emerging from the turmoil I find myself a different person, and a I see how eerily similar things happen to so many other people - the burnout and the return to the small and quiet, and a lot of before’s ego and separation just vanishing. It really like some societal change, some change of common mindset, is happening. It is a little like when a child feels a response to a prayer, and a little like growing up.

I’ve always been out of this loop. I never got any enjoyment by fulfilling meaningless tasks and ever since I have been depressed, even before I left kindergarten, that I’ll be forced to work in this life eroding, soul sucking work society, as soon as I graduated. I’ve seen early on how it destroys humans and deletes the will to live. Yeah maybe because my parents were prime examples of how work is taxing on the mind. And I can’t blame them, because it’s all true and my worst fears also all became true, to a lesser extent because of me acting.

I did make sure to reach a higher level of education and an office job. All prepared in advance to do as little as possible and get paid as much as possible, with as little stress as possible. Still, the 40 hours a week are wasted. Most of the time that I have nothing to do at work I do read about my hobbies, gaming, the next show I’m about to watch and plan my free time.

Because I simply don’t want to use that time, to learn another skill (outside of my hobbies) to get whatever possible promotion in a new job, with more stress. Yeah there’s more money on the road ahead, but for what? What is that money going to give me?

Don’t we use this money after all to buy unnecessary stuff, to create artificial excitement and use it to try to find ways, so that a 40 hours work week does feel less miserable? Yes, that’s exactly what it is.

Without much more learning and stress I’m not going to reach an income level of early retirement nor of being able to buy a house. I’m also a minimalist person, who doesn’t need much space, no expensive stuff other than a 3k bucks PC every 6 years and that’s it.

What’s missing in life is a person that loves me. But you can’t buy this and my parents made sure I’m undesirable for any women. I also don’t want children, even though the society tells me that this is required to have a fulfilling life. But I think it’s just stupid, no one guarantees your kids will love you. Also who am I, to risk forwarding bad habits by accident to unborn children? Na thanks. If I had a wife we might adopt, at least that way I don’t add more humans to a collapsing planet and give another little human hope, at least more than rotting in a children’s home with no parents.

This sounds all depressing but truly this all stems from being forced into this old social system, but at the same time not being able to gain what I desire most.

When I reflect on myself I see many issues, yet I’m feeling free and clear most of the time. Compared to everyone else still stuck in this reward hamster wheel. Maybe I can reduce my hours in a few years to only 32 hours work week and get myself a crushed ice machine. (Damn expensive the good ones are at least 1400 bucks)

Have a good one.