Hi,
My (23M) partner (28F) of two years recently had a conversation with her best friend (whom is also a dear friend of mine) (29F), and was told that my Ex (24F) of 3 years aired our relationship’s dirty laundry to her. I am no contact with my Ex, the relationship ended poorly and I only have one friend (24M) who has any contact with her. That friend invited our (29F) friend to a party which my ex was also attending. During the party my Ex struck a conversation with her, and told her just about everything that happened in the relationship. Needless to say this wasn’t a very balanced take on what happened, and involved a lot of private information. I’m not sure why my ex decided this an okay thing to do, but me and my partner feel this is very strange behaviour, especially 3 years after our break up. My partner believes she is trying to jeopardise my new friendships and her own relationship with me.
Our current strategy is to seperate any of our future friendships from my friend (24M) that is still in contact with my Ex to avoid a situation like this happening again. Although, I’m not happy that I have to seperate my social lives for this reason. Does anyone have any better solutions, or other advice. Especially if you’ve had something similar happen!
For additional context my friends partner is best friends with my Ex, so it wouldn’t be easy to talk to my (24M) friend.
Edit: I think there is some confusion of what is meant by seperating friends. The idea was to avoid mixing them when doing parties or get togethers, essentially not introducing them. If they meet outside of this that’s just how life goes. Having a second read I could see why some people could feel that this might have included enforcement; telling our friends who they can talk to. That’s not the intention at all.
Edit 2: Why are AI agents allowed to comment here? Especially in a community related to relationships, ick.
Im really not sure why people are thinking I want to control my ex’s actions? She can do what she wants to do. I don’t want to control my friends either. Our current plan involves not introducing people, maybe that is rude but it’s not affecting people’s autonomy. She can talk to who she wants, my friends can do what they want, and my partner and I can chose to have a life detached from her all at the same time.
Idk people seem very chill with an ex of 3 years deciding to divulge to someone who they know to be our close friend but are total strangers otherwise our relationship drama from 3 years ago.
I’m of the mind that this is a vindictive transgression, but I’m not interested in finding out if it turns to something more. Why can’t I choose to protect myself from someone that is A. Doing things that upset me and my partner and B. Not a person who I owe anything to?
The reason people think you want to control your Ex is because you are mad at her for talking to a mutual friend. She can do what she wants even if you think it’s vindictive. I think that’s the tone people are picking up on. We are neutral parties on this who are only hearing your side so we don’t have the same emotional stake in this.
As for what to do about it. You can try to not mix friend groups but that just seems exhausting and not worth it. She’s living in your head and stressing you out. Try to move on and forget about it because she will always be out there. If you think she’s trying to escalate maybe tell your friends about it. Be the bigger person and be chill about it. If she is trying to create drama it will be obvious she is the drama.
I’ll take on your advice to try stay chill about what happened outside my close friends and family. I think that’s a good idea, I need to save face in these kinda social dynamics anyway. And we are already talking to friends about what happened.
It just feels like I came here asking for help, but instead I’m here validating my feelings as well as my partners feelings that what is happening is good enough for us to put measures to prevent her presence in our lives. I mean I even said she can do what she wants, and you’re reminding me again, that she can do what she wants. It’s like my words have no meaning, it’s a bit rough.
I’m happy at least the top voted comment is the one actually addressing my issue at face value.