If your happiness comes first then it is because you are special.
I was going to write that, but left it out to not sound pretentious. Because I had no self love, I used to consider people who I loved special, but they ended up being incredible mean and detrimental to me. Even Christian Divine figures have disappointed me. So I learned the hard way the only special being to me should be myself.
When I found out my first love had been cheating on me for 2 months and began gaslighting me, guilt tripping me and gossiping lies, while I was just standing all that in silence. I was already going through very stressful situations as leader of 2 projects that were going downhill in work... I went manic/psychotic, and had a ton of panic attacks, went through disassociation and derealization a lot. I was able to save the projects tho. 1 month later I lost my best friend due to a stupid misunderstanding while manic/psychotic. I had major depression and generalized anxiety for 1 year. To this day I have trauma from all this.
Put it on ebay ig