can’t tell if they’re genuinely looking for help or if they’re just stuck in a self-pity-I-need-a-savior loop.
It’s both. I’m genuinely looking for help on a tough situation, and I possess a weak learned helplessness mindset that causes me to give up too easily. The replies I get here are helpful, but at the end of the day, the biggest difference will be my own ability to change the way I think through a combination of self-reflection and therapy. Nobody can help me with that except for me.
It’s true that I live with violent and controlling people, but that doesn’t mean they can control me 24/7. It’s true that public services are being eroded, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any left. It’s true that modern society alienates us from one another, but that doesn’t mean people can’t care about me.
My abusers are incredibly stupid, weak, and short-sighted in a lot of ways, and it may well be that the reason I’ve been stuck is because I have also been stupid, weak, and short-sighted. My stated goal of therapy is to get rid of my fear-based mindset and start using my brain more, because fear is stopping me from being rational. That’s why my words and actions appear to be so contradictory: I’m in the process of recognizing my own agency and their weaknesses, but I keep snapping back to old patterns where they seem all-powerful and I feel helpless. It’s probably frustrating for the people reading.
How do any of the readers here know that my situation is as dire as I make it out to be? Could it be that my fear is painting a far worse picture than reality? If so, how can I possibly be a reliable narrator for what’s actually happening in my life? If things were truly hopeless, my abusers wouldn’t have to constantly tell me that all of my ideas are stupid and everything I try will fail.
I think if I ask any more questions on Lemmy, it should be while I’m in the process of getting out, not asking people to plan my entire escape. Like, asking for advice on step 23B after I’ve figured out and completed steps 1-22, instead of asking for steps 1-100 before I’ve done anything.
I'm not angry at anyone except myself. I know that everyone in this thread is smarter than me because I was raised to be stupid and easy to control. The fact that I still live here 23 when I knew I was being abused since age 13 is proof of my incomprehensible levels of idiocy. My every instinct is telling me that leaving is more dangerous than staying. I'm going to therapy because I know those instincts are wrong and I don't know how to change them. I'm taking actions that are helping me gain a greater sense of agency and independence, but that process is frustratingly incremental. I'm stupid today, but I was even more stupid 2 weeks ago, and I will be less stupid 2 weeks from now. I hate that I'm like this. I hate that I can't just download the brains of anyone else in this thread so I don't have to wait for my brain cells to hurry the fuck up and rewire themselves into a usable configuration. But that's what I have to do. I have to push myself more and more to learn that I'm not as powerless as my abusers make it seem. I know this, but I need to feel it.
These people can't do shit to me. They had to lobotomize me to have any power over me because they don't have time to watch me 24/7. If I knew what I was doing, I could be gone without a trace in less than 24 hours. I just won't do it because I'm scared that my conditions make me unhireable and I won't be able to convince anyone to let me live with them. Both of these are untrue and I'm too dumb to see why. THAT'S why I'm going to therapy -- because once I realize I have that power, that's it.
Once I have a clearer mind, I'll be using the resources that everyone linked and look up more of them on my own. I'm going to find a way through this. I'll have to step outside of my comfort zone a lot, but it can be done. I'm going to stop asking strangers on the Internet to do all of the work for me and do it my damn self.
I've embarrassed myself a lot in this thread, but I can always improve, become less embarrassing, and slowly take off the clown makeup piece by piece. The people here are trying to tell me that I can do more than I'm doing now, and they're right. It just needs to get through to me. Maybe it takes more than just Lemmy threads. Maybe it takes a therapist, experiences of doing things on my own, and maybe a few friends. But it will happen.
I want to thank everyone for trying to help snap me out of it. It's going to take some work, but I know there's hope.