billionaires would suffer extreme depression and paranoia until they downgrade to millionaire status
I think that's kindof already a thing. Like, do billionaires as a demographic come across as not depressed and paranoid to you?
Trump famously eats McDonalds so much largely due to paranoia about being poisoned. (Hitler had similar anxiety delusions about being poisoned.) Musk is so insecure about himself that he pays people to play video games good so he can trick everyone into thinking he's a good gamer.
Look, I already realized I was living life on easy mode, but this post drives it home more.
I've applied for a job exactly five times in my life. I've gotten five interviews. And I've gotten four offers, all of which I accepted. I've never been unemployed for even a day, nor had to settle for staying where I was working for lack of available positions/job-listings.
The one time I didn't get an offer after an interview, the listing said they wanted "Python experience" (which I had quite a bit of), but in the interview they told me they were switching to C# (which I had never touched in my life). They passed me over ostensibly in favor of another applicant with C# experience. Kinda wasted both my and their time with that one. But it was very shortly thereafter that I landed another job. (As Java dev, which is gross, but I've got no right to complain in a thread about people getting interviews on less than 1% of their applications.)
Windows 1.0: Just four sticks tied together with rough twine, not attached to any building or anything. Just held in the frame of the photograph in mid air by a pair of really hairy hands.
Windows 12: Same as Windows 11, except missing a window on the door all together.
Windows ME: The driver's side window of a clown car.
Windows 95: Identical to Windows 98.
(There are a lot more like CE, NT, 2000, Server, FLP, RT, Mobile, etc, but I'll end my list there.)
Also, the photo gives way too much credit to Vista. Also, everything from XP and after should at least have bars on the windows. Having to phone home to activate was always unreasonable. The fact that things are way worse now doesn't mean earlier versions were unrestrictive by a long shot. (And believe me. People in XP's era were also horrified at how restrictive and enshittified XP was compared to previous versions.)
There's not all that much more to tell, really. And mind you it was 9 years ago. And it's far from the only "wild" experience I've had that changed my perceptions.
Normally, particularly when it's really dark, I have a lot of little blotches of a lighter, gray shade that fade and shift constantly across my whole field of vision. Until it abated temporarily, I wouldn't have thought it possible for it to abate. But when it did, I got to experience a more potent experience of "darkness" than I had before probably ever. But it wasn't just darkness that was amplified. My vision definitely felt "clearer" of... the ordinary sorts of visual artifacts I see pretty much all of the time.
It was a very calming and pleasant experience for sure. Definitely the sort of thing I wish could be the case all the time.
This has only happened to me once. It came on while I was meditating (so that may not particularly qualify as "spontaneous", but anyway) and lasted until I fell asleep maybe an hour later. By morning, my vision was "normal" again.
You mentioned "good and bad." I don't think there was any part of that experience itself that I found "bad", challenging, difficult, unpleasant, etc. Though that experience was had in a period of my life when I was regularly meditating and practicing mindfulness. Before that period of my life, I engaged a lot in fantasy and found it very fulfilling. But I feel like during that meditation phase of my life, I lost my taste for it, and I feel like I lost something of value. Fantasy has returned to me somewhat slowly since, but it's still not as fulfilling as it was before. So if there's a "bad", it's not particularly about that one experience about which we're talking as it is about arguably-bad side effects of meditation/mindfulness.
I'm not saying my experience was (or wasn't) the same as the experience you've had. I don't disbelieve your account, though. And it wouldn't surprise me if the same sort of experience I had might sometimes be experienced spontaneously by some individuals.
Anyone who mentions, acknowledges, or even doesn't sufficiently attempt to ignore/deny my existence or influence in the world, anything they eat tastes and feels like eating raw, unseasoned egg whites for a month. And I'll put knowledge of that fact in everyone's minds.
Then I can do whatever I want to annoy the fuck out of people and they have to ignore me. Wet Willie Elon Musk in public while looking him right in the eye. Replace the audio at a Kid Rock concert with Baby Shark for the whole show and everyone has to pretend it was a typical Kid Rock concert. Draw dicks all over Trump's face with a sharpie during a presidential address on live, national TV. Find every HOA president and kill grass in their front yard in the shape of Bevis and Butthead.
I wouldn't be unreasonable. A wry, approving smile here. Stopping and reading an obscene message I planted before realizing it was me. Stuff like that gets a pass. I might even turn a blind eye to an involuntary case of the giggles brought on by my hijinks, particularly if it helps the vibe. Also, anyone under 15 is exempt from the whole egg whites thing and can laugh their asses off and point with impunity.
I've had some wild experiences for sure. Total loss of visual snow. Synesthesia. Major time distortions. Stuff like that. (Meditation is a hell of a drug. For realz.) Particularly during a period of time about 9 years ago.
A whole lot depends on Lily's personality and the dynamic between the two of you. I'm not a woman nor in a romantic relationship, but if I were not responding to texts from friends, it would probably be because I was feeling overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, or otherwise just not terribly social.
If that's what's up with Lily, I'd say text less. And when you do text, go out of your way not to make demands (including demands to respond). No "let me know when you can hang out". Try more along the lines of "saw this and thought of you" or "
<mutual friend>
says 'hi'" or "I saw
<movie>
and wondered what you'd think of it; we can compare thoughts some time." "I love you" is probably good so long as it comes without agendas or requirements. In general, make peace with the fact that she gets to communicate, hang out, or most particularly refrain from doing so as she wishes for as long as she wishes. Whatever you do, you won't be able to make her be social with you. And trying will backfire.
And again, this might not be what's up with you and Lily at all. But see whether it feels like it could be the case.
Basically anything you can run on a computer you can run on a Raspberry Pi.
Of course Raspberry Pis are Arm devices. So I guess proprietary software that doesn't support Arm (and the very rare FOSS software applications that go out of their ways to make it hard to use them on Arm for some fucking reason -- looking at you, Cura) would be a little more challenging. But aside from that... anything, really.
If you're depressed, your brain is lying to you. This in particular is exactly the type of lie a depressed brain tells:
...i can't be the boyfriend you want...
(Even if there is truth to it, understand that your brain is blowing it way out of purportion.)
What's important:
Take care of yourself to the extent you can. Get as close to enough sleep as you can. Get sunlight. Try not to imbibe in recreational drugs (including booze.) Not that that will cure you necessarily, but it can mitigate the depression a bit and help you have more strength with which to...
Seek help. Talk to your GP. They might refer you to a psychiatrist or someone. Whatever results, it's incredible how much that can help.
If you're already availing yourself of mental health help, talk to your provider about your current mental state. Show them your post.
I think that's kindof already a thing. Like, do billionaires as a demographic come across as not depressed and paranoid to you?
Trump famously eats McDonalds so much largely due to paranoia about being poisoned. (Hitler had similar anxiety delusions about being poisoned.) Musk is so insecure about himself that he pays people to play video games good so he can trick everyone into thinking he's a good gamer.