My story is very similar. I used DD-WRT for years until something broke. Then I switched to OpenWRT and never looked back. That was maybe ten years ago.
I first read that as "coral plants" and was shocked that they might be doing something positive for once.
I was disappointed but not at all surprised when I reread it.
If that type of play is your jam I would highly suggest getting into TENS. It's a little pricy up front for a good made for pleasure unit but you can can edge for as long as you'd like and turn a knob when you're ready. I use an ET232.
I had to scroll down too far to find something like this.
If you're home the solution is simple. If you're not home, then they'll likely steal an inexpensive boomstick rather than your network gear.