Channel your anger out towards the right people that deserve it, can be a relief. Hating yourself can be destructive. You are not the problem, most of the time is just shitty society running blind.
I know the feeling. Change what you can change, the rest you can't change is pointless to ponder of what the future holds. How ever unlikely things change.
The original series Quantum Leap used the R-word referring to people with mental difficulties not as an insult. I understand today times have changed and used as a slur. Still used in medication today, meaning slow release tablets.
Day?