I think people will hate me tbh, that’s why I don’t join clubs or stuff like that
Not even discord servers. Not even talking to similar people or within the group that should like me cause if they hate me that would be crushing if you know what I mean
Hence I often get to know people who already hate me like alt right or some bullies, toxic ppl, because that is… less risky? Somehow. I don’t truly care about them so if they hate me this feels like nothing. but if someone who I really look up to would hate me… well, that would be rather extremely painful
Actually that would probably make me hate them psychotically as a some kind of subjective defense of identity. And what is understood by me as ‘hate’ is very sensitive. Merely sideways stare that I would interpret too much will make me go off to some deep end (but only if it is from someone in some group that I should belong to)
If it is some aggressive looking, young male with bald head and ugly stare then I will just feel like on a safari and see the dangerous wildlife that should be avoided. Scary of course, adrenaline going but not something that lasts in my mind
I am not afraid of wolves or tigers. But what I am afraid of is a woman that will thrust a knife in my heart and kill it
I don’t have any friends whatsoever since like 10 years tbh and honestly never had one. Just acquaintances and frenemies but right now I haven’t talked to anyone except family since years I think
So I guess my ways of communicating may be a bit strange and look like trolling when they are honest and there is no ill intent or malice
I like to talk online sometimes and have responses I can interact with. All cool I hope my bro take care 🥰 and chill
I want money and want to have a mindset that will allow for a swift and easy accumulation of it so then I don’t need it anymore and can focus on higher luxuries such as some kind of abstract ethics or whatever
If that means being an asshole for some time then it’s okay as long as it is helping me achieve this minimum monetary security
So what I would just go there and talk about what for 150 dollars? They would sniff it out what I need or…? Or do I need to know what I need? How many 150 dollar meetings for figuring it out?
I need money and fearlessness, now give me that or at least ways to achieve it
Then there is also power I have been eyeing if I have these things but that can wait and will come with the first two
Fearlessness -> Money -> Power that’s how it looks like in the long run
However on my path I am brought down by some stupid things like daily commute problems or mental overload or anxiety. I just want to surgically cut them out
Okay but if it is so essential as the contemporary society would allow you to believe then why it is more expensive than an hour with a sex worker? (At least here) somehow I cannot get the therapy prostitution connection out of my mind.
Like why would I say to some stranger (I choose based on looks and opinions lol) my feelings and pay them for it and also wait for dates available like it was some highly sought service competition and I am just some 10th gear in queue of the bucks making machine.
Not only I must pay for this but also wait patiently for a month. Some crazy stuff
And what is that will be revealed to me that I didn’t know already if anything? For an hour of feeling good after waiting for weeks I will pay 150 dollars??
I could get one pack of high quality cocaine for that /j not to mention all the stuff that I actually need to buy
And if it doesn’t work then money wasted? What does "working" even mean in this context i don’t know. Hopefully makes me earn more money because I need that.
Right now I am unable to work prolly cause some autism but who knows. I am unable to resist daily grind and emotions of commuting and working for more than a month without mental breakdown.
That I knew but I didn’t know that whole day of physical work feels so good for me. Then I thought of the primal people adhd theories and maybe I need more physical style of life. I like to think that answers to present are in the past
I guess I have some narcissistic tendencies sometimes and I think it’s like perfect counter to these patterns. Besides it just feels extra good when I kind of shrink myself in these ways and let other things shine instead of me occupying all the space. I guess maybe that this is is also turning off the adhd chatter
I am really super green to these things and I am just having fun. also it’s much different than I thought it is. I knew that it is different than Catholicism I grew up with but I never really had a chance to understand why exactly
Then I had an occult phase, thinking I could be great mighty witch phase I guess
Problem is I never really seeked spiritualism for the right reasons but only to feel better and superior than others, have some secret knowledge. That was such a confusing way
