I've been getting weird name feelings. I picked out my name awhile ago, and it's what everyone I'm out to knows me by (some of them for several years at this point). I really like it, it's me a lot of the time, but I have to admit it's not me all of the time.
Between middle names, and initials, and possible nicknames or stuff there are like... seven or eight different names that I think are Me and could go by, and depending on the nature of my relationship with people would want to go by multiple or all of them to a person. I just don't even know how I would like, convey that or bring up the subject. Just, "Hey, I know you've known me as [Name A] for like five years since I've been out, and like that's still my chosen name and stuff but also I'm kinda also like [Name B], like I'm still [Name A] but also [Name B] I'm like both, so you can like use both interchangably."
idk, it's not even that big of a deal, it's just kind of annoying because lately I've been feeling a lot more like [Name B] than [Name A]...
probably getting a roommate in the summer (guy I've known for awhile), and he's like been big on how he'll be able to Drive Me Everywhere and I do kinda wonder what his reaction is gonna be when the first place I'm gonna ask him to drive me is to go get nipple piercings
I got a little label maker awhile back to label bottles I was using for some spice/seasoning blends I was making, but now I just kinda use it every once in awhile to print a label that says "CUTE" to stick on my forehead or "BOOB" to stick on my boob.
major downside of not being a tech girlie is that every time something seems to go even mildly wrong with my computer I instantly freak out and just assume it's like permanently and irrepairably bricked
I needed to update a driver and turn my computer off and on again
ordered some new paints for a minis kit I'll (hopefully) be starting on soon, and they legit sent me 6x what I ordered. like they just charged me for 1 of everything but sent me 6. it's nice to have all of this primer but I have no idea what I'm gonna do with so much green _;
I've "calmed down" so to speak from a couple days ago I'm still pissed, still can't stop thinking about it, like itching at a wound, but I'm not like freaking out. Managed to sleep. It was kind of inevitable that it was going to come to this, but I've fully decided to cut my family out. There are a few things that make it so I can't divest immediately, a few things that need to fall in place as an alternate support structure, but I've got a plan and should be able to get the ball rolling on it in the summer. There's just no hope for people who look for excuse after excuse for why it's okay for them to hurt you. Sometimes you have to cut off a sick branch so that the tree can grow strong. Or something, idk I'm not an arborist.
my mom contacted me just yelling and fucking yelling for daring to be so cruel as to be mad at my sister for being transphobic to me. Just the fucking like, it's like she looked up a fucking guide to How To Self-Righteously Jerk Off and Pretend You Have The Moral High Ground While Being Transphobic to Your removed Child.
"I'm tired of walking on eggshells," "you're being intentionally cruel and manipulative by telling me you're hurt," "it's unreasonable for you to put a timeframe on me not slurring you," "you're twisting my words and only seeing things in black and white," "I have to unlearn everything about you"
I'm soooooo fucking sorry that's it's soooooo hard for you to treat your fucking child with basic humanity. That must be sooooo fucking hard for you.
I just don't even fucking know how a person can act this way.
was managing to get a little better, but my mom texted me today like "hey your sister is wondering why you haven't messaged her, she doesn't know you're upset with her you should reach out" and idk it just brought every single emotion crashing back. idk mom if she doesn't realize that being casually cruelly transphobic to a tgirl might make her upset, that sounds like a fucking her problem.
i'm so tired of people thinking it's my responsibility to reach out and my peace with people who hurt me. every single time. if I don't want to talk to someone who hurts me, if I don't like someone who hurts me, then actually it's me who's a fucking bitch. and even if I wasn't hurt it's still a fucking two-way street. they'll go one about how I'm "strong and brave and resilient" or what the fuck ever but to them it's just an excuse they can use to beat me to shit "because I can take it." I'm so exhausted.
down with cis!