What hurts is that people treat it like I am doing this obsessive, unnecessary thing when in reality the amount I say sorry is perfectly tailored to the amount that I am randomly (random only from my perspective of course) pissing people off all the time around me with my actions. Which in practice means I say sorry all the fucking time.
Those same people that tell me not to say sorry I have pushed to the edge of their tolerance of me many times, and the ONLY thing I can do in those situations is say sorry in a genuine way. People really dont fucking understand having an intimate familiarity with those moments where someone is seriously pissed off at you and not only wants a practical explanation for why you fucked up but more importantly they need an emotional explanation that squares your apparent desire to be a good person/worker with the fact that you just massively fucked up something in a way that sure makes you look like a lazy, uncaring person. I have no agency in those moments, I am basically an 18 wheeler smashing through someone else’s life but I have no brakes and LITERALLY the only thing I can do in that moment to make the situation better is apologize simply but genuinely in a way that conveys how hurt I am by own actions too.
Of course, the ones that love me always return to their more patient selves and apologize for getting frustrated with me, but apologies mean nothing to the memory in my body of feeling like I am always sliding towards seriously aggravating someone and hurting my relationship with them. Further it is only a learned, constant input of willpower and constant attentiveness that keeps me from constantly blowing past people’s threshold of patience for me in moment to moment interaction and also in broader life contexts. An absolutely necessary survival strategy for me has been learning to constantly “manually breath” with my experience of reality so that I don’t slip back into autonomic behaviors that immediately cause friction with the environment and people around me.
Saying sorry a lot is my way of double checking my social awareness and making sure I am not missing the fact that now I am just yelling at everybody for no reason because I am excited about the conversation or something. When people react with “hey, stop saying sorry!” the consequences are they are mildly annoyed at being asked the question, but when it opens up a conversation about something I have been doing that is genuinely annoying people around me it can often be the ONLY thing that saves me and others from a lot of unnecessary suffering. It also, and I can’t stress the importance of this enough, is often the only thing that can halt someone from developing a narrative about who I am that is wildly inaccurate (I don’t care, I am lazy, I don’t like working).
The world is going to have to become a hell of a lot more accommodating and accepting of ADHD before I stop saying “sorry!” all the time and it is frustrating that people get upset at me for using a perfectly rational coping strategy in a society extremely hostile to my disability. Its like, people don’t want to see the amount of effort I have to put into not being a burden on others because it stresses them out and feels like a broken record… and sometimes I just get so angry and sad feeling like… yes that is exactly what it is like to be in my head 24/7, I am sorry you had to briefly experience that?
Yeah it sucks having ADHD. Or more to the point, it sucks fucking up all the time. Totally get it.
There are times (rarer lately) that I have goofed multiple times on top of feeling down on myself and feel like I can’t do anything right. That is the worst. You likely know exactly what that’s like right? Ugh. Hate it.
I probably say sorry more than average. You know the other thing I realize? I don’t really trust myself. If someone calls out something, my first assumption is always “I fucked up” even if I didn’t. I mean yeah, I do goof up all the time. But it is hard to be confident and assured. Likely that comes across at work especially. I guess it makes me more likely to be open to being wrong, and therefore more used to updating my beliefs based on evidence. That’s a plus. But being timid, uncertain of myself, always doubting has definitely bitten me in the butt. You run into that?
I also struggle to know what I must be like to people. When I’m down I am pretty sure I’m incredibly annoying and sound like a total moron and obviously odd and repulsive (like, uncanny valley type shit). I assume that is why I have almost no friends. (In reality I have friends but am so anxious about pissing em off or annoying them or not being in touch that I don’t do well staying in touch…ah, the irony).
And of course I am also pretty detached and guarded because of the whole rejection sensitivity thing.
And never really feel it is acceptable or ok to really be fully myself. Say nothing, box up feelings, tamp down my affect flat as can be, kill enthusiasm because any excitement is too much. Normal to me is too freak-o for everyone truly normal. I don’t get to be me because nobody could fucking stand it. Probably not even me. Anyway I am sure we can all relate to some degree.
It’s an absolute fucking curse, this goddamned disorder.