In my dreams, you lay your sorrow on the table, and the air between us is soft and we have time.
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Mask up, love one another, and stay alive for one more week.
Might have a herniated disc and can’t move without pain. I’ll be on the floor if you need me.
Oh no love
On top of everything else that’s going on, I seem to have caught a cold/cough/sore throat. I want uppies
Oh no… Do take care love
Sorry to hear that. Maybe get a covid check just in case.
Thank you
I don’t even know if we still can get tests here, otherwise I’d have bought one today. I’ll see what I can do.
May I join you?
I need to join too, if I may
I just finished a course of antibiotics for my latest foot infection 2 days ago. It was seeming OK. Now the pain is back, I think it’s infected again already and I don’t want any more antibiotics, the last ones made me nauseated and gave me constant diarrhoea.
And I’m still struggling with my thyroxine issues, I’m so tired it’s a struggle to stay awake or prepare food or anything. I was hoping someone would send me a justeat gift card so i could just order preprepared food until I have a bit more energy but my request is going unanswered. I guess I can’t complain, there are a lot of people worse off than me needing help. It’s such a sick world we live in where the most desperate people in the world have to compete with each other for food. It might as well be the Hunger Games at this point.
It’s ok to vent, you have a safe space here. There’s no use pretending everything is okay, but at least we can share our thoughts and feelings in solidarity for one another. Sorry to hear your infection might still be around and your fatigue hasn’t let up. Sending hugs, love.
duplicate post
I’m so exhausted because of my thyroxine issues right now. It’s making it hard to get on and deal with my benefit appeal and the dignitas stuff, but I’m managing to do at least a little something towards them each day like send an email or fill out a form. other than that I am so tired I keep falling asleep during the day. I’m still trying to get the money together to pay for the doctor’s note but apparently the only GP that knows me personally there is on holiday for 2 weeks so I guess there’s no point rushing right now anyway. I feel like if I do at least one thing towards these two issues each day then at least some progress will get made, however slowly. And i’m going to need to pay for ID documents but have no money for that either. It’s all so overwhelming the only thing I can do is one small thing each day.
For once though, one tiny good thing happened. Recently the neurologist said she wasn’t going to prescribe my migraine tablet, rimegapant, any more because my migraine diary shows it isn’t working well enough to justify the expense. (Apparently a pack of 8 tablets costs the NHS £125 and I’ve been getting 2 packs a month. The pharmacist scolded me a few months ago for costing the NHS so much money.) She prescribed a new tablet in it’s place, but that was only delivered today so i haven’t tried it yet. I’ve been very, very worried about managing without the rimegapant. Last week I quickly put in a repeat prescription request for my two boxes of rimegapant, hoping I’d be able to get it dispensed before the neurologist’s letter arrives telling them not to dispense it any more. Today I received it, and when I opened the prescription bag, not only did it contain rimegapant but weirdly it contained 7 boxes instead of 2. A three and a half month supply instead of a 1 month supply. I can only assume the pharmacist made a mistake but I am keeping them. A small victory at last.
Damn comrade that sounds so exhausting. And to think that the NHS was world renowned at one point lol. Well I guess us Americans will have a new horrific round of medical austerity to put up with soon
My understanding is Americans have been lobbying British politicians to gradually chip away at and dismantle the NHS. They want us to have private healthcare so they can sell healthcare to us. Those of us who rely on the NHS are just collateral damage for America to make bank.
Oh wow I didn’t know that. I was actually referring to the new Medicaid cuts coming soon!
That is good you got extra meds! Are the new ones she prescribed very similar or no? Using cost as a justification for that is so stupidly evil.
And honestly, doing just one little thing a day is more than enough. Hopefully those little things will build up and you’ll be able to see something come from it without having to sacrifice too much. You deserve lots of rest and I hope you can find some relief soon. Has the tingling subsided at all?
The new ones are a preventative and not used to get rid of a migraine when it happens. I don’t think I’m going to try them as they have a lot of side effects and I can’t use the rimegapant with them (they aren’t safe to mix apparently), I’ll have no acute treatment for when a migraine happens. The tingling comes and goes. Right now I’m just mostly exhausted from the lowered thyroid dose. I’m struggling to stay awake or do anything.
pharmacist scolded me a few months ago for costing the NHS so much money
Punch the pharmacist square in the mouth. What the hell. I would have flipped my lid had that happened in m general vicinity. The police would have had to drag me away i would have screamed that much in their face.
That is a small step from calling you a useless eater to your face.
I already know 99% of the British population considers me a useless eater. Why they won’t just put me out of my misery I do not know.
Insight into non-anglo European med school for those interested: When you are learning anatomy you always have to use the Latin names, it is considered an error to use any other language name… Except for the articulatio zygapophysiales because no one can spell it. That is literally a rule.
I joined dignitas recently, and was told they can even offer free assisted suicide if someone is very poor, but they have to pay their own travel costs. So I didn’t do anything about it for a while. But over the past few days I thought I can at least get the ball rolling, if I can get accepted then as soon as I can get some money I can go. Also my medical conditions seem to be deteriorating and I have been feeling worse than usual. So I decided to go ahead with the matter, only to find that the documentation they need is insane. I thought it would be a simple issue of providing copies of medical records, but no. Aside from needing a ton of medical records, past and present, they want a ridiculous amount of identity verification. I don’t have a passport right now but if I got one, wouldn’t that be enough? NO! On top of that they want a declaration of your identity signed by a notary, your parents’ birth certificates and all kinds of other crap. My father was from Turkey, they don’t even have birth certificates in Turkey. If you’re unmarried you even need to swear a statutory declaration before a commisioner of oaths, that you’ve never been married and this apparently costs £100. You also have to provide 4 types of other ID like bank statements, utility bills etc. I can get bank statements, but bills? I pay all that included in my rent. (Or at least I do when I’m in receipt of benefits and actually paying rent.) I guess I could provide a bank statement and a letter from the DWP. I have a government-issued bus pass, maybe that would do too? Don’t know what else I can get.
Now, there are several other suicide clinics in Switzerland that don’t require so much documentation. However, unlike dignitas, as far as I’m aware they don’t offer discounted or free suicide. I have emailed them to check and I’m waiting for a response.
But the other thing with dignitas is they are quite insistent that you bring a relative along to show their support for what you are doing. This is because when people get assisted suicide against their family’s wishes, the family complain in the media and it makes dignitas look bad and turns people against legal assisted suicide. But what if you have no family? There is so much to find out about all the hoops I’d have to jump through and they are slow to respond. Why is everything always so difficult?
god that’s crazy. i guess i shouldn’t be surprised that there’s additional requirements that stop most people from being able to use it, but sigh. Having to take a family member with you is absolutely insane.
Thank you! I felt like I’m the crazy one thinking this is nuts. They say it’s because in the past people have gone to dignitas without their family’s consent and their family then complains about dignitas in the press, which makes dignitas look bad. They want you to bring your family to prove to the world that they support your decision. But imagine if you needed your family’s support for anything else involving your bodily autonomy, like having an abortion, a gender reassignment or even cosmetic body modification. People would rightly see it as outrageous and infantilising. But in this case it’s apparently fine. And if you’re British and accompany your relative to dignitas for an assisted suicide, you can theoretically get up to 14 years in prison so it’s dangerous for the family members too. And I still don’t know what people without living family members are meant to do, dignitas are taking ages to respond to my emails.
You shouldn’t need your family’s support for that. I can’t imagine those people went through with that without their family’s support bc they weren’t actually suffering… Just that their family didn’t understand or care about their suffering…
:/ it sucks so much. people who get that mad about assisted death existing for people suffering are so clearly privileged it’s crazy.
I know right! All these people sitting in their ivory towers, no idea what it’s like to be permanently unwell, judging something they don’t understand. I think next time I will say, imagine having severe covid 24/7 plus a cracked skull and broken legs 24/7. With no chance of a cure. maybe then they’ll start to understand but I doubt it.
they’ll probably just say you’re exaggerating
Even having help with a more dignified end turns out to belong to the privileged. I get that they want to be sure, but it just seems like added cruelty. I hope in the interim you can get your doctor’s letter and your benefits come through.
Thank you. I’m still struggling to get enough to pay for the doctor’s letter and print/photocopy the documents I need but someone came through with part of the money so maybe I can get the rest soon.
I think the main problem with assisted suicide is that the providers are afraid of allowing someone to die who could be saved/treated to become well again. Furthermore, I think they need their assurances that you are of clear mind when you’re making that decision. A family member of any sort is probably one of the safest assurances they can get, though I think any good friend would do. Still, the birth certificates of your parents? How tf are you supposed to get all this stuff??
I didn’t think it’d be easy to get but yeah, killing yourself like this isn’t easy, and while I agree it’s ridiculously expensive, I do think there should be a lot of hurdles to deter people from choosing death lightly. The relatives thing is beyond me, however. I hope you find a way that works out for you.
I don’t think there should be a lot of hurdles, it’s a matter of human freedom. People are outraged when abortion or gender reassignments are illegal or difficult to get. Imagine if you weren’t allowed an abortion or gender reassignment unless your family agreed and showed their support.
Oh no, don’t get me wrong, I agree with you on that one, and I also don’t think the family thing should be a thing, but I also don’t think you should be able to knock on their door and ask “Could you help me die?” and they just say yes. It should be easier, but not that easy. And while I do agree that gender reassignment as well as abortion need to be more easily accessible, I think there’s a big difference between those two and assisted suicide. The former are about how you wanna live your life, the latter about how you wanna end it.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m just trying to explain why I disagree about hurdles in general, but not about these hurdles in particular. I think you deserve access to whatever you deem necessary, love, and you have suffered enough. I still believe that with proper healthcare treatment, you wouldn’t have to be in this situation, but we both know it’s not your fault it is this way. I hope this makes sense, and you don’t feel offended by what I’m saying
I think it should be enough to prove your identity with a passport, provide some medical records as evidence of your disease and prognosis and have the two interviews with the clinic that help them decide. The excessive number of ID documents, multiple documents proving your place of residence, parents’ birth certificates as well as yours, expensive sworn statements that you’re not married, dragging family members along, plus years of backdated medical records (I mean, why? Your health now and in the future is what’s relevant, not whether you were sick many years ago) is just excessive and makes it too difficult for many people to access.
I’m not offended, I’m just so exhausted that everything has so many hurdles to get over, especially while my health seems to be deteriorating and every little thing is an effort. I’ll spend my entire life going through benefit appeals and reassessments at best, and at worst they’ll end up stopping disability payments altogether. Every time i need anything I have to beg on here and usually make repeated requests. I am always fighting and struggling to access and keep my medications, and now i can’t even just have an easy exit but have to go through millions of hoops to have a chance of getting to dignitas. I feel like a worn out old horse who should be sent to the knacker’s yard but instead is forced to run a neverending steeplechase.
I agree completely, the medical stuff and documents should be enough to prove your case.
And yes, you deserve better, it’s neither fair nor right that you have to ask for help online and otherwise. There’s a system that is supposed to help you. You shouldn’t be suffering like this, love. I hope the benefit appeal finally works out and you can get some rest. And I also hope you can find a way to work out the dignitas hurdles. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you love.
Thank you. It just infuriates me that it’s usually the same right-wing type people who don’t want me to get disability benefits but also don’t want me being able to access a peaceful end. Like, what do they want me to do? Christians are out there campaigning against assisted suicide but refused to give me a scrap of food when i begged for it. Lefties usually want to see me fed and able to choose a peaceful exit if i want.
I’m going to keep on with dignitas although it seems it will take a while, if it happens at all. Bit by bit if i can get some money here and there I can gradually try to get whatever ID documents I can, get my medical records and if it’s eventually enough to get the green light from dignitas then one day maybe get enough to travel there.
I kept screaming while sleeping last night, it was comprehensible.
Are you my neighbhour? And if so, why the screaming? And if not, why the screaming?
this is not the place for humor
Okay but my neighbhour did scream all night and I am interested in knowing why you would be screaming.
I prefer not to clarify
Fair enough
I forgot to pack a lunch and im trapped at campus because of a weather warning. This is entirely my fault and I’m still mad.
The weather is apparently bad enough that a bunch of busses got csncelled, and i thought that included mine. Turns out it didn’t. Woo.
Hope you got home safe okay!
I lived.
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I think I am going to stop engaging with medical treatment, apart from taking my thyroxine. It doesn’t help at all and just makes me worse. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been feeling so tired lately and falling asleep in the afternoons again, then i remembered the dumb endo lowered my thyroxine dose. She even threatened to lower it further at my next appointment. She gaslights me that this low dose isn’t really making me tired. I’ve had enough of this shit. I mean, there is no good dose, the higher dose gives me awful side effects and so does the lower dose, this will never end, but I can’t stand being this tired any more. From now on will take whatever dose of thyroxine I want and my migraine tablets and nothing else. If these new migraine tablets the neuro gives me don’t work or have side effects and she refuses to prescribe me my acute ones then I will buy the accute ones online, even if I have to make a mutual aid post about it. Luckily I have stockpiled quite a few already from my previous prescriptions though. I am cancelling my next endo appointment, I’ve cancelled my upcoming two foot surgeries.
No more. No more appointments or drugs. The doctors and the meds don’t help, the meds riddle me with side effects and the doctors gaslight me endlessly. I really just want to go to dignitas but I need to find the travel money and I don’t have the energy to organise all this. But I really feel like I’m done with all this medical shit. I’ll do the bare minimum to keep myself alive for now and absolutely no more. All appointments are being cancelled. I really only stuck most of them out this long to help with my benefit appeal, and if all the medical shit I’ve had done to me so far isn’t enough to win it, then nothing will be. I have to provide an updated letter of medical support for my appeal and all the medical crap I’ve had so far will just have to be enough. Just too exhausted to continue with this nonsense.
This is too heavy for me. I wish I could help you. All I can say is that i think you’ve done well these last past few weeks in advocating for yourself and I think you should at least keep that up. You matter for as long as you are here.
Thanks. You know what’s even more enraging? Not long ago a person on mutual aid helped me to become a member of dignitas. To become a member, you need to print out and fill in the “Declaration of Membership” form. I don’t have a printer, so I tried to print it at the local library. I was unable to, because the library has blocked dignitas’ website and won’t allow people to access it on the library computer! It’s yet another aspect of poverty - if you’re rich you probably have your own printer and can access whatever websites you want. The poorer you are the fewer choices you have in life. And what business is it of the library anyway if someone wants to go to dignitas - who made them the moral arbiter of assisted suicide prevention?
In the end I found a way around it, by writing the declaration of membership out myself. I was reminded of this today because I need to print some stuff out for my benefit appeal but don’t have the money to do it as no-one has responded to the latest mutual aid post. Even when it comes to trying to access benefits - money needed to live - I can’t do all I need to do because of lack of money. This world is fvcked up and evil. Some demiurge created this shithole to have a laugh at our expense.
I wouldn’t put it past the government to have made a blanket list of banned subjects for public institutions, which would include assisted dying. That sort of micromanagement seems very in line with the British government
I cant advise you on dignitas. But with regards to everything else, you’ve been resourceful with white lies, small deceptions and asking people directly before. I’m sure you can find someone to lean on to get a print or two. Maybe just asking the librarian directly? Surely they know the system is fucked too.
Well, until I can pay for a doctor’s letter anyway, the printing won’t be happening.
Know that you’re loved and supported, comrade. You’ve been through so much.
Thank you.
I can’t begin to understand the frustration and exhaustion you’re feeling, love. Just…
I love youThank you. The friends I’ve made here are literally my only comfort in life right now. I really think I’m going to actually apply to dignitas and see if they will help me. If they were being truthful when I spoke to them before about being willing to do it for free, then I maybe could get the money for travel costs. But then again I’m still struggling to get the cash to get a doctor’s note and do some printing for my benefit appeal. I have to continue with that for now in case dignitas doesn’t work out.
It might sound OTT but it feels like discrimination that I can’t access this service in the UK. People would be outraged if people weren’t allowed to do what they want with their own bodies when it comes to abortion, gender reassignment etc but I am not allowed to do what I want with my own body.
a frog living in a polluted pond doesn’t need a meal in olive garden.
Took my mental health day on Friday as prescribed by my therapist and gingerbrat. It was actually pretty nice. I did light laundry chores and made it to about halfway through the 4th(chronological) movie in the Mad Max franchise. I did work on a bit of code stuff but it was correcting typos in my business sites. Nothing too brainy. I also gave Satisfactory another attempt and I think I still hate it.
Then Saturday came and I got hit with a huge wave of depression all over again… I can’t really afford to take a day off a week to try and be happy, just to turn around and be more depressed than I was before. I think a lot of it is still tied to my shitty job, my education going to waste, and me just wanting to get out of this daily work grind bullshit. I need to stop setting my worth at what my income is and I don’t know how. I don’t want to be like generational wealth rich or whatever but I’d just like this dumb business to take off but no one wants or needs a websites and no one wants to pay the real price for one.
I wrote another mobile app in 2 days again. It was inspired by those dumb digital business cards that use NFC to send your info to someone else’s phone. This one doesn’t have NFC because Android sucks and we can’t have nice things. But it does have a QR code generator in it that creates one for each url you add. Think of it sort of as an Android app QR code equivalent to Linktree. But that was how I realized I was back in burnout. So, there is that.
Next stage of burnout is me getting fired.
Your mental health days sounds like a success, I’m glad you took it. As to the days after, I’m honestly not surprised. Making time for yourself when you are actually trying to accomplish anything always drags you down, as if self care was a neglect of duties. It’s not, just so you know.
I need to stop setting my worth at what my income is and I don’t know how.
You need a proper break, and I agree that you need to unlearn this. A solid income isn’t going to make you feel better about yourself. It does help with precarious situations and relieve some stress, but what you need (like a lot of others) is a task or activity that makes you feel useful and purposeful. It’d be nice if the job could be that activity, but it often isn’t. Don’t give up, but also give yourself more breathing space. You’re worthy, no matter how much you earn
