Everyone supports “mental health” until they actually get called on to do it. I lived with nominally supportive housemates in college who would say “mental health is important! Believe in yourself!” Then when I started falling apart in my final year they got grossed out. They didn’t want anything to do with me. Why invite the depressed person to anything? They’re just gonna end up miserable. Talking about depression is gross and yucky, eww, uncomfortable, go to therapy, that’s your fault. So they just ended up excluding me from everything they did because it was easier for them.

It sucks finding out that good people can be bad friends. Yes, it would have been uncomfortable and difficult for them to help me. It would have taken some work. But they turned out to be the kind of friends who only like you when you’re fun and smiling.

Obviously my depression made things harder for them. It made things harder for everyone. That’s why I needed their help, and they didn’t give it to me

I actually hate being alive, being trapped in a physical body that’s falling apart and literally rotten, painful, infested with infection, doesn’t work, requires drugs to stay just barely alive, requires endless maintenance not to mention food, all of which takes time, effort and money. And for what? It’s not like these issues are going to be solved, all that can be done is just try to keep on top of them as much as possible. You could probably be prosecuted for animal cruelty if you kept a pet alive in this condition, but a human must be forced to drag it out for as long as possible, for literally no reason whatsoever.

From the ages of about 18/19 to about 21/22 I went through a stage of sometimes having what I can only describe as intrusive visions, although they weren’t unpleasant at all. I’d be doing something and suddenly I’d get an actual (maybe mental, I can’t describe it exactly) vision of myself (from two perspectives at the same time, first person and third person) as a blonde Australian girl doing exactly the same thing in an alternate life. One time aged about 18 I was walking through a forest, I started jogging and suddenly my entire vision was taken over by this image of me as a blonde Australian girl running through a forest. It was accompanied by intense feelings that this was me in an alternate life. This other me was a total opposite version of myself, blonde where I’m dark, Australian where I’m British, and most of all she had the most positive, uplifted mood imaginable. (Even before my life became as bad as it is now I had depression and physical health issues and money and living situation problems so my mood wasn’t brilliant). This Australian version of me was absolutely filled with hope and joy and love of life.

I had this experience several more times over the next few years. Aged around 20/21, I was with two friends, one was playing guitar and listening to it through headphones. He took the headphones off and gave them to another friend. As soon as this person put the headphones on I had another intense vision of us both as Australians, in a small private plane, about to take off. He was the pilot and was putting his pilot headphones on. Again I felt that sense of joy and love of life, we were clearly having great lives in this alternate reality.

It happened several other times, and after a few years it just stopped happening. I don’t know whether it was a mental illness, a coping mechanism or what, I mean my life wasn’t as bad then as it is now but it doesn’t happen any more. It really felt like there was this parallel life out there somewhere, where I was the opposite of myself, living the opposite life where everything was brilliant. Sometimes I’ve wondered, if that version of me is actually real somewhere then maybe to balance the scales and pay for that great life I also have to live this life where everything is terrible and miserable and hopeless. Or maybe it’s some cosmic learning experience, experiencing the best and the worst of life. Maybe it was just a coping mechanism to feel good for a few moments but then why don’t I get it any more? I wish I could swap places and be that Australian.

The pharmacist heard my accent and switched to English. I have never been this owned.

Is anyone else annoyed by religious people, specifically christians, who assume you don’t believe because you resent that “God” put you in a wheelchair or gave you which ever disability you may have? No muthafucker I just don’t accept you’re inconsistent explanations for what happens to non-believers who never had a chance to “be saved”! I don’t want to get all r/atheist on y’all so stop me if I do

Tiny human on public transport: :D

Tiny human having a meltdown on public transport: D:

I think I am going to stop engaging with medical treatment, apart from taking my thyroxine. It doesn’t help at all and just makes me worse. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been feeling so tired lately and falling asleep in the afternoons again, then i remembered the dumb endo lowered my thyroxine dose. She even threatened to lower it further at my next appointment. She gaslights me that this low dose isn’t really making me tired. I’ve had enough of this shit. I mean, there is no good dose, the higher dose gives me awful side effects and so does the lower dose, this will never end, but I can’t stand being this tired any more. From now on will take whatever dose of thyroxine I want and my migraine tablets and nothing else. If these new migraine tablets the neuro gives me don’t work or have side effects and she refuses to prescribe me my acute ones then I will buy the accute ones online, even if I have to make a mutual aid post about it. Luckily I have stockpiled quite a few already from my previous prescriptions though. I am cancelling my next endo appointment, I’ve cancelled my upcoming two foot surgeries.

No more. No more appointments or drugs. The doctors and the meds don’t help, the meds riddle me with side effects and the doctors gaslight me endlessly. I really just want to go to dignitas but I need to find the travel money and I don’t have the energy to organise all this. But I really feel like I’m done with all this medical shit. I’ll do the bare minimum to keep myself alive for now and absolutely no more. All appointments are being cancelled. I really only stuck most of them out this long to help with my benefit appeal, and if all the medical shit I’ve had done to me so far isn’t enough to win it, then nothing will be. I have to provide an updated letter of medical support for my appeal and all the medical crap I’ve had so far will just have to be enough. Just too exhausted to continue with this nonsense.

I try so hard to be understood and it just doesn’t work out :cri: like I know NTs get misunderstood too, idk. Its very frustrating running over and over what I’m going to say, what I’m hoping they’ll say, and they just immediately misunderstand and I walk away with them not getting it at all. At least this latest thing was not terribly important but its frustrating regardless.

It should always be around 15 c around me at all times. Its too hot.

I forgot to pack a lunch and im trapped at campus because of a weather warning. This is entirely my fault and I’m still mad.

My therapist says I have to take a mental health day on Friday. The nerve of that woman…

But yeah I’m on the verge of mental collapse so it’s probably for the better. Thinking about just marathoning Mad Max or something.

As a white atheist who can handle stairs is it my place to point out that the prayer room only being accessible by stairs is odd. I wouldn’t care except the priest is handicap accessible.

Also its weird that basically every public institution in this country has a staff priest.

Might have a herniated disc and can’t move without pain. I’ll be on the floor if you need me.

Hey, sorry I disappeared a bit. I’d ask how it’s goin, but it doesn’t look like the answer is “fantabulous.” Shit’s fucked, I’m sorry folks.

I think I may have ADHD but talking about it with therapist hasn’t been much help. Rehash of focus harder , do more exercise, check your diet . paying attention and not stimming for even a minute is hard even with those changes.