Satirical news site The Onion won the auction to acquire conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ Infowars, which was sold off as part of a defamation settlement after he falsely called the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre a hoax.
As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.
16·13 hours ago