I feel like a girl masquerading as a guy, can someone affirm me please?

I'm sorry if this is attention seeking, I'm trying not to be...

Ever since I was a kid, I was different from other girls. I wanted to be a boy. Since I knew boys had penises, I wanted a penis too. I wanted to be like my dad. Though he turned out to be not a good person, I didn't know that at my young age.

I wanted to hang out with boys and do "what the boys did", not what the girls did.

I didn't like makeup or dresses, but I just thought I was a tomboy or a boyish girl. But do boyish girls want penises? Do girls who want to be like their fathers feel the way I do? Well, I guess some of them do.

But my grandpa and dad have convinced me that all I will ever be is a girl. Just a confused girl masquerading as a guy. Just a confused girl who society has "pushed an agenda on".

I don't like rough labor either which I see stereotypically with guys and stuff, but I do like weight lifting and that gives me gender euphoria. I would take T to help me get stronger but to my internalized transphobic brain (I'm working on that), it's cheating.

If you want to use my name(s) in your reply, by the way, I'm Larry or Scott. Alex or Mikey is fine too.