This place, this site, certainly helped to crack my egg. It’s what got me to create an account in the first place. I had lurked for a bit, maybe a while, on and off. The kind of thing where I wasn’t in the community, but was still looking at memes and news. Starting to notice the community is when I noticed the quantity of trans people on the site, which was of course very cool. It still is. And hearing others speak of their experiences had me intrigued, in the way that trans-related things did, in the way that it all made me feel uncomfortable at the same time. I felt bad about this, despite knowing it wasn’t from a place of fear or hatred of others, but myself. Seeing people existing in that way, talking about their experiences, making internet posts and memes, made me start thinking about myself, and what I wanted, and that traditionally (and even today) doesn’t go well for me. Defense mechanisms kicked in hard, and so I continued drifting and not knowing why, always getting that funny feeling when those topics came up. It was the constant reminder that this site gave me that got me to start thinking, and many people talked about their feelings, their transitions, their experiences (again, yea this is a big one). They sounded so happy, and I wanted to be happy like that, but that did that mean? Was I really trans? And boom, that’s where the trans mega comes in. Taking in more and more, relating to more and more experiences, hearing people talk about HRT, and my egg was on its way out. At first I felt foreign, like a stalker. I didn’t feel real, I didn’t belong, but at the same time, I wanted this more and more. There were surely negative experiences talked about, but the rose-tinted glasses were on, and I saw what I needed to see. As such I created an account, to get to be apart of the community, yes, but also to start asking questions, start talking to people. I created an account, and in still half in hiding half in denial, I made my PFP an anime girl and I used they/them pronouns “for opsec”. The account is long gone, but she/her pronouns were added pretty quickly, then removed for a bit I think, and then added again. I never stopped using them after that (note: gender kind of messed me up for a while, I ran “any” for a bit). From there it was the Luna account, and then, well, me.
What if HRT could improve my voice? Save my hair? I started asking myself many things that started as soon as I heard that HRT was more than just for feels. I didn’t even have a strong grasp of what it was, let alone what it did. I started researching, spending a lot of time researching, not just HRT but trans feelings, experiences, things I would have never said I felt but buried inside? Always there. I excel at burying my thoughts and feelings, so it really was just one more thing. Still working on this today, for what it’s worth, but I like to think I’ve made major progress at this point. Anyways, eventually HRT became the kind of thing where every change sounded good, except for one. The big one. Or should I say big ones? As much as the body could be changed, and made to more of my liking, once these grew in, they’d never leave. That’s right. Boobs. I had major anxiety over them, didn’t know if I wanted them, even. At the time I was still thinking I would be more nonbinary, femboy adjacent maybe. What if I don’t like them? I don’t think I would, and I want to be able to make that choice, have more control over it. So I looked in to SERMs, and after seeing the side effects I decided against it. Not for a lack of looking into it, but there really isn’t a lot of research on them, and so I decided if I was going to start HRT I was going to have to go “all in”. A bit of a time skip, but a few weeks into starting HRT, I was lying on my chest and it felt sore, hurt decently bad. Wondered if it was my shitty lungs again, but it hurt more than straining to breathe. In two areas, to be specific. To this day it was a huge euphoria hit, and from that moment I’ve wanted them as big as I can get them. I say “prog save me” on the regular, and in a more present note, I’m hoping to start in a few days!!!
It was after confirming I wanted HRT, and also had dysphoria, that I admitted to myself that I was trans. I still felt fake, not real, lesser than, and was still figuring out how exactly I was trans, but I was there for sure. A few weeks later, and I started journaling, at first just gender thoughts, but expanding to my whole life. I’ve been doing so for a year as of May 19th, which also means we’re moving fast from here. I didn’t think I would though, the entire point of the journal was to put my thoughts somewhere, because I planned to hide until I changed my living situation. Safe to say the plan was to wait a while, as I planned on remaining in that situation until I completed my education. Luckily, this didn’t last. My mom started catching on too quickly, in other words, I failed to hide it well. I couldn’t at this point, I had to try everything. Getting cuter shoes when I needed shoes again, shaving more often, shaving my legs. It is a huge autism moment, but when she told me about HRT like I didn’t know anything, I went into an infodump about HRT and SERMs. Yep, I’m trans, ma. I had a feeling at least she would be accepting, for the most part. This was 6 days into the journal lol, no time at all. And on this day one year ago, I would come out to the rest of my immediate family, who all took it quite well. It’s pretty great, they love me lots, although my one gripe is when they try to explain gender or sexuality to me. Is there a word for this kind of “mansplaining”, because I need it.
The speed of which I would go about things increased. I had an appointment for informed consent HRT scheduled just two days later, and a little less than a week after that I was on HRT. From there it’s just been my activity on this site. Learning more, talking to so many nice people, and getting to know some amazing people. Spending a lot of time on the gender carousel, hopping off, getting back on, hopping off (it was a wild ride, although I lied when I said it was fun it hurt like hell). Changing genders like I had to change batteries, questioning my sexuality to an obsessive degree (well I did for gender too). Making memes, shitposting, talking life, and many, many vents. It’s been, despite all the turmoil that came with it, my self-ravaging crises, and all of the pain, one of the best years of my life. There was pain, but there were so many happy moments as well, wonderful moments I hadn’t had anything like in such a long long time. Rather than just having horrible depression, I now have significantly less depression, so much less hopelessness, and a much better grasp of control of my own life (although, still working on that too). My anxiety has gotten a whole lot worse, but that’s because I have something to lose, so many somethings. I fear so much, let so much eat away at me, because I actually care now. I want to know who I am, I want to know what I want, and I want to get to know people, live life, leave my little bubble that I’ve been stuck in for as long as I can remember. I’ve made a prison for myself, and I’ve not even worked my way out yet, but the bars have come down. I’m no longer in the cell, and that is a wonderful thing. I care for people so much more now just as a product of caring more about things now. I already cared a lot about people and life as a concept, it’s what radicalized me, but caring for everything else managed to boost that even more. For the people I care about, I care so much. I fear losing them, so much. I probably don’t have much reason to worry, but since when has anxiety been one for reason? Don’t worry, I’m working on it :>
What else to say? Not sure, to be honest. Life moves on, transition keeps going, and I hope my second year is even better than my first! Meeting trans people has been wonderful. Not in real life, community is dead where I live, trust me, I’ve tried, but people on the mega and tracha! You’ve all talked to me in various degrees, but it’s been wonderful talking to all of you. Thanks for reinforcing the fact that trans people do, in fact exist, in a world where I can count the number of trans people I have seen and know offline to varying degrees on my fingers. Going to hope that I can find some stuff to attend and some people to meet this pride month. I only hope to whatever higher power may or may not exist that their sole method of communication is not fucking discord (or instagram, snapchat, etc. for that matter, but I know people fucking love discord and I hate it with a passion. You may say this isn’t relevant, to which I will say, fuck discord.